Susan* bought her 6-year-old son John an iPad when he was in
first grade. “I thought, ‘Why not let him get a jump on things?’ ” she
told me during a therapy session. John’s school had begun using the
devices with younger and younger grades — and his technology teacher had
raved about their educational benefits — so Susan wanted to do what was
best for her sandy-haired boy who loved reading and playing baseball.
She started letting John play different educational games on his
iPad. Eventually, he discovered Minecraft, which the technology teacher
assured her was “just like electronic Lego.” Remembering how much fun
she had as a child building and playing with the interlocking plastic
blocks, Susan let her son Minecraft his afternoons away.
Modal TriggerPhoto: AFP/Getty Images
At first, Susan was quite pleased. John seemed engaged in creative
play as he explored the cube-world of the game. She did notice that the
game wasn’t quite like the Legos that she remembered — after all, she
didn’t have to kill animals and find rare minerals to survive and get to
the next level with her beloved old game. But John did seem to really
like playing and the school even had a Minecraft club, so how bad could
it be?
Still, Susan couldn’t deny she was seeing changes in John. He started
getting more and more focused on his game and losing interest in
baseball and reading while refusing to do his chores. Some mornings he
would wake up and tell her that he could see the cube shapes in his
dreams.
Although that concerned her, she thought her son might just be
exhibiting an active imagination. As his behavior continued to
deteriorate, she tried to take the game away but John threw temper
tantrums. His outbursts were so severe that she gave in, still
rationalizing to herself over and over again that “it’s educational.”
Then, one night, she realized that something was seriously wrong.
“I walked into his room to check on him. He was supposed to be sleeping — and I was just so frightened…”
We now know that those iPads, smartphones and Xboxes are a form of digital drug.
She found him sitting up in his bed staring wide-eyed, his bloodshot
eyes looking into the distance as his glowing iPad lay next to him. He
seemed to be in a trance. Beside herself with panic, Susan had to shake
the boy repeatedly to snap him out of it. Distraught, she could not
understand how her once-healthy and happy little boy had become so
addicted to the game that he wound up in a catatonic stupor.
There’s a reason that the most tech-cautious parents are tech
designers and engineers. Steve Jobs was a notoriously low-tech parent.
Silicon Valley tech executives and engineers enroll their kids in
no-tech Waldorf Schools. Google founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page went
to no-tech Montessori Schools, as did Amazon creator Jeff Bezos and
Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales.
Many parents intuitively understand that ubiquitous glowing screens
are having a negative effect on kids. We see the aggressive temper
tantrums when the devices are taken away and the wandering attention
spans when children are not perpetually stimulated by their
hyper-arousing devices. Worse, we see children who become bored,
apathetic, uninteresting and uninterested when not plugged in.
But it’s even worse than we think.
We now know that those iPads, smartphones and Xboxes are a form of
digital drug. Recent brain imaging research is showing that they affect
the brain’s frontal cortex — which controls executive functioning,
including impulse control — in exactly the same way that cocaine does.
Technology is so hyper-arousing that it raises dopamine levels — the
feel-good neurotransmitter most involved in the addiction dynamic — as
much as sex.
This addictive effect is why Dr. Peter Whybrow, director of
neuroscience at UCLA, calls screens “electronic cocaine” and Chinese
researchers call them “digital heroin.” In fact, Dr. Andrew Doan, the
head of addiction research for the Pentagon and the US Navy — who has
been researching video game addiction — calls video games and screen
technologies “digital pharmakeia” (Greek for drug).
That’s right — your kid’s brain on Minecraft looks like a brain on
drugs. No wonder we have a hard time peeling kids from their screens and
find our little ones agitated when their screen time is interrupted. In
addition, hundreds of clinical studies show that screens increase
depression, anxiety and aggression and can even lead to psychotic-like
features where the video gamer loses touch with reality.
In my clinical work with over 1,000 teens over the past 15 years, I
have found the old axiom of “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of
cure” to be especially true when it comes to tech addiction. Once a kid
has crossed the line into true tech addiction, treatment can be very
difficult. Indeed, I have found it easier to treat heroin and crystal
meth addicts than lost-in-the-matrix video gamers or Facebook-dependent
social media addicts.
That’s right — your kid’s brain on Minecraft looks like a brain on drugs.
According to a 2013 Policy Statement by the American Academy of
Pediatrics, 8- to 10 year-olds spend 8 hours a day with various digital
media while teenagers spend 11 hours in front of screens. One in three
kids are using tablets or smartphones before they can talk. Meanwhile,
the handbook of “Internet Addiction” by Dr. Kimberly Young states that
18 percent of college-age internet users in the US suffer from tech
addiction.
Once a person crosses over the line into full-blown addiction — drug,
digital or otherwise — they need to detox before any other kind of
therapy can have any chance of being effective. With tech, that means a
full digital detox — no computers, no smartphones, no tablets. The
extreme digital detox even eliminates television. The prescribed amount
of time is four to six weeks; that’s the amount of time that is usually
required for a hyper-aroused nervous system to reset itself. But that’s
no easy task in our current tech-filled society where screens are
ubiquitous. A person can live without drugs or alcohol; with tech
addiction, digital temptations are everywhere.
So how do we keep our children from crossing this line? It’s not easy.
The key is to prevent your 4-, 5- or 8-year-old from getting hooked
on screens to begin with. That means Lego instead of Minecraft; books
instead of iPads; nature and sports instead of TV. If you have to,
demand that your child’s school not give them a tablet or Chromebook
until they are at least 10 years old (others recommend 12).
Have honest discussions with your child about why you are limiting
their screen access. Eat dinner with your children without any
electronic devices at the table — just as Steve Jobs used to have
tech-free dinners with his kids. Don’t fall victim to “Distracted Parent
Syndrome” — as we know from Social Learning Theory, “Monkey see, monkey
do.”
When I speak to my 9-year-old twin boys, I have honest conversations
with them about why we don’t want them having tablets or playing video
games. I explain to them that some kids like playing with their devices
so much, they have a hard time stopping or controlling how much they
play. I’ve helped them to understand that if they get caught up with
screens and Minecraft like some of their friends have, other parts of
their lives may suffer: They may not want to play baseball as much; not
read books as often; be less interested in science and nature projects;
become more disconnected from their real-world friends. Amazingly, they
don’t need much convincing as they’ve seen first-hand the changes that
some of their little friends have undergone as a result of their
excessive screen time.
Developmental psychologists understand that children’s healthy
development involves social interaction, creative imaginative play and
an engagement with the real, natural world. Unfortunately, the immersive
and addictive world of screens dampens and stunts those developmental
processes.
We also know that kids are more prone to addictive escape if they
feel alone, alienated, purposeless and bored. Thus the solution is often
to help kids to connect to meaningful real-life experiences and
flesh-and-blood relationships. The engaged child tethered to creative
activities and connected to his or her family is less likely to escape
into the digital fantasy world. Yet even if a child has the best and
most loving support, he or she could fall into the Matrix once they
engage with hypnotic screens and experience their addicting effect.
After all, about one in 10 people are predisposed towards addictive
tendencies.
In the end, my client Susan removed John’s tablet, but recovery was an uphill battle with many bumps and setbacks along the way.
Four years later, after much support and reinforcement, John is doing
much better today. He has learned to use a desktop computer in a
healthier way, and has gotten some sense of balance back in his life:
He’s playing on a baseball team and has several close friends in his
middle school. But his mother is still vigilant and remains a positive
and proactive force with his tech usage because, as with any addiction,
relapse can sneak up in moments of weakness. Making sure that he has
healthy outlets, no computer in his bedroom and a nightly tech-free
dinner at the dinner table are all part of the solution.
The
world is changing faster than it has ever before. It's challenging to
keep up with the latest. Our greater dependency on technology fuels this
trend. We know what the advantages to technology are. We have more
opportunities and greater conveniences than we have ever had before. The
advances in health care are enormous and the promise of the future is
encouraging but the challenges are increasing.
The first challenge
is how to wed our greater dependency on technology with our sense of
self. Technology gives us the opportunity to connect with almost anyone
anywhere, which leads to the concern that if we are not in instant
communication we might miss out on something.-that text or call that
pertains to a different reality than the one we are engaged with at the
present moment.
As soon as we see or hear a signal that we have an
incoming message, we interrupt what we are doing to notice the nature
of that incoming message. Very rarely is it something important that has
to be handled in the moment.
We pay a price for these
distractions. In the process we lose our ability to really get into
something and know it well. Rather than being in the moment with what we
are doing, we are already thinking about something else. Is that
something else more important than what we are doing now or the
conversation we are having with someone else. Our minds are constantly
at work trying to figure that out. We don't know how to still the mind.
We don't know how commit to just being.
What has been lost is the
ability to connect with others and to work together. The flow of our
conversation and ideas has been interrupted so that we aren't able to go
deeper. The irony is that none of us like to be interrupted but that is
exactly what happens. What makes it worse, is that we are being
interrupted essentially by a computer. The energy changes and the
connection has been lost. Sure we have more information at our
fingertips, but we've replaced intimacy with information.
All of
this leads to a greater sense of isolation. Even when we want to connect
face-to-face we're not exactly sure how to go about doing it.
Communication is an art form and, like other art forms, needs to be
practiced. We get better the more we do it. There is nothing better than
connecting with another. In fact when we become master communicators
it's magical.
Perhaps the biggest challenge is how to make peace
with an uncertain future. That uncertainty is there in almost all facets
of our lives-our safety, our finances, our health, and our sense of
wellbeing. The rapid technological changes contribute to this
uncertainty.
Our challenge is to develop a trust that if we live
totally in the present that the uncertainty we have about the future
will unfold the way it should. Our part is to be 100% committed to
whatever we are engaged in. It doesn't mean to be in denial of some of
the problems that we experience individually and collectively. But when
we approach these concerns with 100% focus and effort, then we begin to
discover solutions to problems that previously were thought to be
insoluble.
Here's a suggestion. For one precious moment, learn to
trust it's all going to work out. For that one moment just be. Then try
it for ten minutes. Just be and give your concerns a holiday. They don't
need you all of the time. That holiday includes taking a vacation from
your smart phone-plan your digital detox now.
Living in the moment
and being present is an art form that can be cultivated. The ones that
have mastered it have a presence about them. They are connected to the
source of their personal power and all that is and has always been.
There
are more and more articles in the main stream about the practical and
spiritual benefits of having a mindfulness practice. Meditation in the
morning is an essential practice to cultivate in this rapidly changing
world.
You know I love hearing from you. Feel free to share this article with those in your circle.
"To dream - again. To dare - again.
To feel enjoyment and happiness - again,
or for the first time.
