This topic arises so often in sessions that I feel led to address
it here, too. Many times, life tugs in different directions. Empaths,
especially, sense how our own decisions affect the people we know and
love. To some extent, this is a good thing. A person who lacks any
empathy is also known as a narcissist or sociopath, so yes, we do need
awareness of how our behavior and attitudes affect other people.
However …
Empaths feel the emotions, attitudes, energy and thoughts of other
people to a sometimes debilitating degree. Even the thought of hurting
someone else hurts us. Without protection, we feel the disappointment,
judgment, illness or whatever other pain of someone else
within ourselves.
When lived unconsciously, empathic “gifts” feel awful. Mysterious body
aches, overwhelming sadness, anxiety, general confusion or lack of
desire:
I always advise empaths to ask, “Is this mine?” Because many times, it’s not. Good energy hygiene aides discernment.
I call this the Energy Brush Off, but it’s also a
Japanese technique called Kenyoku or “dry bathing.” Bring your right
hand to your left shoulder and then sweep down your arm, past your
fingertips. Repeat on the other side, left hand to right shoulder, sweep
down past your fingertips. Alternate sides three times, then flick your
fingers like you washed your hands and can’t find a towel.
Repeat morning and night, like you brush your teeth. You can also do
the Energy Brush Off anytime you felt good until you interacted with
someone or something then suddenly felt tired, angry, sad, oppressed or
“not as good as you did before.” Sudden shifts in health, emotions or
energy levels often indicate some kind of empathic exchange. Brush that
energy off before it settles in and becomes “yours.” It won’t really be
all
yours, but it becomes much more difficult to sense your own emotions,
desires, attitudes, hopes and dreams when you embody those of everyone
around you.
Good energy hygiene offers a regular reset to your own energy field. The more often you return to yourself, the more you recognize your own energy, including your own longings and desires.
The more often you return to yourself, the more obvious it becomes which people and situations dampen or drain your energy.
Awareness of these dynamics doesn’t always mean you need to cut all
contact. Some situations might require that step, but in most cases, a
little strategy goes a long way. If you know someone’s patterns and how
they usually affect you, then you can protect yourself in appropriate
ways. Since Empaths lack the separation/boundaries that most people
have, good strategies involve not only releasing picked up energy, but
also creating a healthy buffer zone.
Some of my favorite empath tricks include:
- The Energy Brush Off shared above
- Black tourmaline and/or onyx for energetic shielding
- The Algiz Rune (creates a “moat” effect around your castle/energy field)
- Using a mantra like “I deserve good things”or “You do you, I’ll do me”
- Educating yourself about patterns in narcissism, BPD and sociopathy
- Educating yourself about codependency and/or Adult Children of Alcoholics
- Reciting the Serenity Prayer
- Walnut Bach Flower Remedy (to live your life path in the midst of others)
- Crabapple Bach Flower Remedy (if being around others shames you)
- Pine Bach Flower Remedy (in situations requiring more forgiveness than you feel)
- Cultivating relationships that support and encourage your own sovereignty
Number 11 on that list happens more naturally and easily the more you commit to “navigating the should’s.”
Yes, life, society, work and family place obligations on us, but not
all obligations are healthy or appropriate. Sometimes a should just
means a habit. Sometimes a should entrenches unhealthy behaviors and
expectations. Sometimes a should was good for awhile, but now no longer
serves. Refusing to accept every should at face value can feel scary,
wrong, or even “evil,” depending on the situation and characters
involved.
At first, you might not have anyone in your life encouraging you to
explore and process underlying patterns. In that case, a coach,
counselor or support group becomes a lifeline until you can internalize
your own encouragement and support. As you grow more confident, you will
begin to attract different caliber relationships into your life.
Good discernment tips include:
- Focus on “power to, not power over.” Empowerment honors individual
sovereignty without forcing one person to bend to another’s will or
expectations.
- Walk on it: take your question(s) outside with you and let your mind
and emotions process to the regular rhythm of your feet, legs and
swinging arms.
- Sleep on it: ask your subconscious mind for guidance before you fall
asleep. Pay attention to any dreams, as well as noting first
thoughts/feelings upon waking. I often awake with snippets of song
lyrics, which when researched, provide incredible insights and answers.
- Remember that we train people how to treat us. Establish boundaries
and then act in consistent ways. Reward good, respectful behavior.
Refuse or call out attempts to manipulate or coerce.
- Realize that people accustomed to benefiting from your lack of
boundaries won’t appreciate your desire to change. That doesn’t make you
a bad person! It may not even make them a bad person. If you
want change, then the onus of change rests upon your shoulders. Freedom
from the destructive effects of too much empathy brings great rewards,
but those rewards often come with criticism. If someone freaks out
because you ask for boundaries or a little more space, consider that
confirmation of the imbalance you sensed.
- Do what you need to do from as kindhearted a place as you can, including kindness to yourself.
- Get to know your Inner Child. If you were his/her parent, would you
allow your child into this situation or with this person? How would you
help this child to deal with a sometimes unfair or hostile world? How
would you help this child to know his/her own value, regardless of what
others say or think?
Navigating should’s becomes easier the more you get to know and love yourself.
Most empaths excel at loving others, but the self love comes hard. You
deserve good things. You deserve respect, and you deserve a chance to
thrive. Only you can live your unique life with the unique qualities,
challenges and gifts you bring to this world. If you feel surrounded by
conditional love and overwhelming expectations, take some time to
nurture and reclaim yourself.
Much Love,
Laura
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