Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Monday, January 8, 2018
Thursday, September 18, 2014
The Dogs Are Barking But The Caravan Moves On :)
Thanks to a Reader, Steve, who shares:
The Dogs Are Barking But The Caravan Moves On :)
Posted on September 17, 2014 by Jean Haines | What's the Real Truth?
Glad you’re kicking back a bit and recharging yourself. I wrote another song yesterday am and didn’t have time to send it to you. Maybe you’ll get a few chuckles. Also, I love the financial slant you’re taking! Keep on bringing it!
Many thanks to you, 2012BP, KP, AK, and the brilliant writing of Laura at Oracle Report and Zooey for the inspiration. Steve
The Dogs Are Barking But The Caravan Moves On
September 16, 2014
We are being asked to create templates for the new earth as well as dissembling the old matrix. This one I’ve written to the tune of House of the Rising Sun*.
Sing Along!!
The Dogs Are Barking But the Caravan Moves On
There was a house down in New Orleans
That they call The Rising Sun
They’ve always told us that we’re separate
But we found out WE ARE ONE
I sing this song to help wake you up
To what’s been going down
Been searching my soul for direction
And this is what I found
The ship of state has no compass
Navigators have blown our trust
Pay stubs are littered across the floor
And the banks have all gone bust
You charge us endless taxes
We scrape each month to make the rent
The Man says, “My way or the highway, bub”
And tells us we got no lament
All that binds and restricts us
or goes against Free Will
Must come down, so won’t you join us now?
Or grab a ringside seat and chill
Your media feeds us bullshit
Honest words? Ha! Your lips are sealed
Your power comes from silence
But your deeds are now revealed
It’s time to take down your matrix
We’re doing it piece by piece
We can tell that it’s a good thing
‘Cuz we feel that sweet release
Your Ponzi scheme had a shelf life
And it’s due to fail already
You can sleep in the bed you made for us
While we live in the land of plenty
So many people have suffered
Suffered for way too long
At your hands ‘cuz you want everything
And you have no sense of wrong
You tried to keep the sun from rising
But now your time is past
Pisces has passed to Aquarius
Remember the die is cast!
We’re tired of you ruling with an iron fist
Of your tactics we’ve had our fill
You may kick and scream with all your might
But move ahead we will!
You plead for us to cut you slack
You beg, “Please don’t hold a grudge”
You kept the best while we’ve had lack
And from center stage you refused to budge
We hear your cries for mercy
As we drag you from your throne
Your henchmen have deserted you
Dogs bark, but caravan moves on
Heads rolled with the revelations
Your secrets they did share
They shined the light of the truth on you
Not a detail did they spare
Your valets and food tasters
With your secrets filled the air
They shined the light of truth on you
And the emperor was laid bare!
Your noblemen, they broke down and cried
Watching Babylon as it burned
And it’s high time that we applied
The lessons that we learned
That’s why I wrote this song now
To give us something new to groove on
We may hear the dogs barking
But the caravan, it moves on!
The House of the Rising Sun
http://youtu.be/0sB3Fjw3Uvc
*In case you don’t remember this song . . . ~J
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Hilarious Yoga Mat for Sale Ad on Craigslist By MindBodyGreen
By MindBodyGreen
September 16, 2011 7:00 PM EDT
It looks like someone in Seattle is selling a yoga mat for $1. The mat was only used once and comes along with this hilarious usage timeline detailing the seller's experience in a hot yoga class. (Not such a good experience).
I doubt the room got up to 175 degrees, but nonetheless, funny.
I also doubt the seller used Heidi Kristoffer's super-easy method for yoga mat cleaning.
Any takers?
Here's the full text from the Seattle Craigslist ad below:
Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)
Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:
11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.
11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.
11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.
11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.
11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.
12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.
12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.
12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)
12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.
12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.
12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.
12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.
12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.
12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?
1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!
1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.
1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.
1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?
1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?
1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.
1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.
1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.
1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.
3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.
4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
Any takers?! Some more funny wellness and yoga stories and videos here.
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