Enlightening Life: Q&A: Why Do I Choose Men Who Don’t Love Me?
by Jennifer Hoffman
Dear Jennifer: There are painful situations in my life that keep repeating themselves and after reading your blog for a year, I know that it is something I am creating. Even though I know this, it doesn’t make it less painful. After twelve years of broken hearts, I would really like to solve this, so I don’t have to go through it again.
I am always falling in love with guys who are not interested in me in one way or another. Sometimes I get involved with them, but even then they don’t want to be in a long term relationship with me. And in the end, I am always rejected. Someone told me that I attract this because I do not love myself enough, so I am working on this and making progress.
But I am still being rejected by the men I am attracted to. I wonder if it has to do with my father, who left us when I was three months old. He never cared about me, was never available, and I wonder if that is what created a belief that I cannot have a relationship with a man who loves me. I thought I resolved this in therapy but maybe not, because I still have not created a loving, long term relationship for myself. How can I change this and choose a man who loves me?
Jennifer’s Answer: First I want to clarify that the men you choose do love you and there are two issues here. The first your beliefs, the second is your mirror. People mirror our beliefs back to us and that is all they can do. They cannot be for us what we cannot be for ourselves. The men you choose mirror your belief that men will leave and cannot be dependable, and that they don’t love you enough to stay with you.
Let’s look at the belief that men leave because for you, this is true. Your father left but since you were so young at the time, I think you are carrying your mother’s energy around this issue, and not yours. By picking men who will leave and hoping that they won’t, you are trying to heal her energy through your actions. You know that won’t work and it isn’t working but in a way it is, because you are always choosing men who prove that your belief that men leave is true. To create a long term relationship with someone who will stay with you, you must change that belief, which takes courage and a willingness to risk getting your heart broken.
Then there is the belief that you are not worthy of having someone who stays and even if you are working on having greater self love, this belief will continue to attract men who will make it true, until you change it. You cannot expect someone who will leave to not leave, so he heals your belief for you. This is what you are doing and it will always turn out the same way because you are choosing the same kind of person, someone who will leave you.
Instead, you must have the courage to risk the possibility of being hurt by someone who you believe will not do that and know that even if the relationship ends, you will be OK. But you are afraid and the fear that he will leave and you will be alone and unloved is too great, so you will unconsciously choose someone who will leave to make your belief true, rather than risk finding someone who might stay and hurt you anyway. It’s easier to choose someone who makes your beliefs true and not be surprised that your heart gets broken, rather than have that happen with someone you trust will stay and he breaks your heart anyway.
Self love is only part of the issue here, it is more about beliefs than anything else. Can you believe that men stay, that they are dependable, can love, value, and appreciate you, that they are there for you, and that even if they don’t do all of those things, that you are powerful enough to move on and find someone else? These are strong fears and they can be healed, but only when you decide that you are willing to open your own heart widely enough to let yourself experience love, in spite of your fears, and be in a relationship that you can has a long term chance, instead of one that is going to fulfill your beliefs that all relationships end.
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Find out about the Solstice New Earth Energy call, where you can heal your broken heart energy, long held grief, and change your beliefs about the kind of love you can create and deserve to have. The call is June 24, 2014, click here for more information.
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